goodbye to you.

The darkness of the night engulfs me. The pain you brought me consumes my whole being. I am completely lost in this abyss of sadness, drowned in this prodigy I never meant to suffer. My heart has been wrecked by the reality that I was misled by deceit.

The whole incident has improperly changed me.

My agony provoked my mouth to deliver words that bled the hurt I’ve gone through. I know these words might also hurt your feelings, but I am sorry. I just can’t resist myself in putting my emotions and ideas into text because this is the only way I find relief. Every detail of the past clutters in my mind and continuously tortures me. I know you may be annoyed and pissed off with my previous posts but you can’t blame me. This is the only way I escape. I always insist that I am happy and everything’s fine with us but it is so hard to pretend that everything’s really ok. Right now I am unsure if you are gnashing your teeth with me. You might be angry and you might not forgive me for being untrue when I told you that I wanted to be friends with you again. You know, it was true. I really wanted to be friends with you again. But I do not understand that I still cry myself to sleep every night. That I still care about you. That I become irritated when I see you happy with another girl. That every time I hear that same song, everything comes back again. That even when I want to tell that I hate you, it always mellows down to “I love you.” And that thing sucks. It is so weird, immature and helpless. I hate that I find it hard to move on and forget everything between the two of us, because every time I look back, it is still you whom I see.

Nevertheless, I am trying my best not to take a glimpse anymore, because the more I recall the past, the more I hurt myself. I want you to know that I am really sorry for taking some part in your life, for wasting your little time, for posting here how much I hate you (because there’s no other way, no freaking way I can free myself from the anxiety). I am sorry that you needed to pretend you were in love with me. I am sorry that you needed to give me gifts during occasions. I am sorry that you need to make everyone believe that we were an item. I am sorry that you had a hard time denying me. I am sorry that every time you see or hear about me your blood boils. And lastly, I am really sorry that I loved you.

This is going to be the last time you will be the topic of my post. Again, I wish you happiness. I hope God will guide you through your life. And now, I am bidding you goodbye. Yes. Goodbye. Now, I will finally let all of this go. And from now on, whenever I hear about you or see you, I will only remember you as a friend who passed in my life. Aurevoir.